How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters Read online

  How to Survive a Sharknado

  and Other Unnatural Disasters

  FIGHT BACK WHEN MONSTERS AND MOTHER NATURE ATTACK

  Andrew Shaffer

  With Contributions by Fin Shepard and April Wexler

  Copyright © 2014 by Universal Television Networks. Licensed by Syfy Ventures.

  All rights reserved.

  Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House Company, New York.

  www.crownpublishing.com

  Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House LLC.

  Sharknado is a trademark and copyright of The Global Asylum Inc. Syfy is a trademark of Universal Studios. Licensed by Syfy Ventures 2014. All rights reserved.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

  ISBN 978-0-553-41813-2

  eBook ISBN 978-0-553-41814-9

  Illustrations by Michael Lee

  Book design by Chad Tomlinson

  Cover design by Richard Yoo

  v3.1

  Dedicated to the memories of

  Baz Hogan,

  George McCallister,

  and

  April’s boyfriend

  Semper paratus.

  Latin for “Always ready.”

  —OFFICIAL MOTTO OF THE US COAST GUARD, AND PERSONAL MOTTO OF FIN SHEPARD

  DISCLAIMER

  THIS BOOK PROVIDES BASIC ADVICE FOR COPING WITH UNNATURAL disasters and merciless monsters. However, it is not intended as a substitute for emergency-response training or assistance. Following our recommendations does not guarantee your safety. When in doubt, contact your local authorities for guidance. Has a piranhaconda taken up residence in your garden? Officials will be more than happy to assist you. Unless, of course, they’re trying to cover up any mention of the creature because they’re secretly responsible for setting it loose in the first place. You wouldn’t believe how often that happens. Okay, maybe you would.

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Foreword

  Introduction

  PART I: UNNATURAL DISASTERS

  Fighting Mother Nature

  Antdemic

  Arachnoquake

  Bataclysm

  Beeclipse

  Boaricane

  Dinonami

  Sharknado

  Whalestrom

  When Earth Attacks

  Extreme-Weather Vortex

  Firenado

  Ice Twister

  Meteor Storm

  Polar Storm

  Stonado

  Stonehenge Apocalypse

  Swamp Volcano

  PART II: MONSTERS

  Death If by Land

  Basilisk

  Bigfoot

  Manticore

  Mega Python

  Mongolian Death Worm

  Mothman

  Prehistoric Cave Bear

  Rock Monster

  Saber-Toothed Tiger

  Destruction If by Sea

  Dinoshark

  Elektrokraken

  Gatoroid

  Ghost Shark

  Piranhaconda

  Pteracuda

  Redneck Gator

  Robocroc

  Sharktopus

  Swamp Shark

  A Final Note to Readers

  Appendices

  The S.S.A.T. (Shepard Survival Assessment Test)

  Unnatural Disaster Kit

  Emergency Supplies for Your Vehicle

  Space Sharknado by Charlie Price (Excerpt)

  A Whale of a Bad Time: A Story of Survival by Wilma Summers (Excerpt)

  Filmography

  About the Author

  FOREWORD

  ONE YEAR AGO, I WAS JUST YOUR TYPICAL FORMER SURF CHAMPION, bar owner, and deadbeat dad. The day my life changed began like any other. After a late breakfast—brunch, really—I slipped my wetsuit on and grabbed my board to catch a few waves before work. On the news, there was talk about Hurricane David driving large numbers of sharks toward Los Angeles. “Alarmists,” I thought. Every time it rains in L.A., everyone swears it’s the storm of the century.

  This time, they were right.

  Before anyone realized what was happening, blue skies gave way to dark clouds. Powerful winds slammed the coast. Torrential rain caused flash flooding throughout the city. Worst of all, sharks washed ashore in droves. They were so thick on the Santa Monica Pier that you had to carry a barstool to beat them away. When the storm temporarily let up, the destruction was unfathomable. My humbly named restaurant, Fin, was reduced to wet kindling.

  But the day wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. With my ex-wife and children in the storm’s path, I couldn’t stand around waiting for authorities to do something. I had to take charge. Thankfully, I’d been preparing my whole life for that moment.

  Semper paratus.

  That’s not just my motto. It’s my nature. “Always ready.” When the storm spawned three deadly sharknados, I was ready. The fact that no one had ever seen a tornado pick up sharks before was irrelevant. It didn’t matter if they were filled with bears from the zoo or tigers from Siegfried and Roy’s backyard. Semper paratus means being ready for anything.

  Every time I turn on the TV there’s a new threat. Polar vortices. Stonados. Boaricanes. It’s not the world I grew up in, but it’s the one I live in. It’s the one my children live in. They may not carry rappelling gear in their cars like their old man, but they’re prepared for whatever Mother Nature has planned. They have to be.

  Too many limbs have been lost. Too many lives wasted. And all because people weren’t ready. Just like on that horrible day not so long ago, I realized it was time for me to step up. So I sat down with the author of this book and shared my wisdom. My ex-wife, April Wexler, did the same. Everything I know about preparation and survival, everything she’s learned along the way—it’s all here. Other survivors graciously shared their stories too.

  While average citizens like you and me can’t prevent unnatural disasters, we can prepare for them. Take a Red Cross–sponsored first-aid class through work. Create a disaster kit in an afternoon with just a few simple items. Know your family’s whereabouts at all times. Like, if you know your son is in Van Nuys at flight school, you might want to mention this to your ex-husband who still thinks he’s in Florida. That might be helpful information, April.

  You don’t need to barricade yourself in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. You don’t need a basement full of high-tech weapons, especially when a chainsaw will suffice. What matters most is what’s inside your head.

  My family and I are ready. Are you? Read this book and count yourself amongst our ranks.

  —Finley “Fin” Shepard

  Los Angeles, CA

  June 2014

  INTRODUCTION

  IN THE SCIENCE FICTION CLASSIC THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams joked that Earth is “mostly harmless.”

  A lot has changed since he wrote that back in the seventies. We’ve seen sharknados demolish Los Angeles. We’ve seen meteorites reverse the Earth’s polarity. We’ve seen an eighty-yard mega python swallow one of the Monkees.

  Mostly harmless? It’s time we upgraded the planet to “mostly harmful.”

  Mother Nature is angry. Can you blame her? We treat the planet like a rental car with full coverage. Look at our track record over just the past decade. New drilling techniques have exposed hidden dangers below the Earth�
�s surface. Genetic engineers have meddled with the building blocks of life itself, producing terrifying creatures. Don’t just blame big business and mad scientists, though. From well-meaning preservationists to bumbling college students on holiday, we’re all to blame for Mother Nature’s tantrums.

  While politicians waste time debating the dangers of fracking and environmentalists wring their hands over our planet’s rapid deforestation, we’re left with one seriously pissed-off planet.

  That’s where this book comes in. How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters provides you with the knowledge necessary to survive dozens of unnatural threats. Whether you’re standing face-to-face with a Mongolian death worm or stuck outdoors during a bataclysm, we have you covered.

  “But,” you say, “I don’t need this book. I’ve seen monster movies. The people who get killed are usually asking for it. All they do is stand there, screaming at the top of their lungs and flailing their arms like those inflatable windsocks at car dealerships.”

  Put yourself in their shoes. What if you suddenly saw a two-ton great white shark barreling through the air toward your face? Such a sight defies all logic. “That’s fake,” you mumble. Your brain shorts out. Your legs won’t move. Without this book, the best you can hope for is to be killed in a dry pair of underwear.

  No matter what we do, it’s too late to stop unnatural disasters and monsters. All we can do is survive them.

  STUDY—AVOID—SURVIVE

  FOR EACH ENTRY, YOU’LL GET A SHORT DESCRIPTION AND VITALS upfront. We follow April Wexler’s trademark SAS (Study, Avoid, Survive) methodology. Don’t confuse it with Lofty Wiseman’s SAS Survival Guide—even the vaunted Special Air Service might not be ready for the dangers Mother Nature presents nowadays.

  • Study the documented incidents.

  • Avoid the common pitfalls that can put you in harm’s way. And when you can’t avoid the disaster or monster through preparation…

  • Survive by using tips from Fin Shepard as well as others who faced the threats and lived to tell their stories.

  A NOTE ON THE USUAL SUSPECTS

  We assume you already know how to defend yourself against commonplace disasters. If you need a refresher on what to do when a tornado siren goes off, the Red Cross has you covered. What about supernatural threats? Frankly, zombies, vampires, and werewolves are now as prevalent as the common cold. We all know about stakes and silver bullets, right? If only fighting Mother Nature were so simple.

  HOW THE RATINGS WORK

  HOW LIKELY ARE YOU TO ENCOUNTER A SHARKNADO? HOW WIDESPREAD will casualties be? And just how badly will your mind be blown? Use the guides below to quickly visualize the magnitude of the threats you’ll be reading about.

  Threat to Humanity Scale

  = Minimal casualties and damage.

  = Serious casualties and damage.

  = Major casualties and damage on a local scale.

  = Major casualties and damage on a global scale.

  = Extinction Level Event.

  Risk of Encounter Scale

  = Negligible. No conclusive evidence.

  = Low. At least one verified sighting, but no indication of how widespread it is.

  = Moderate. Multiple reports, or repeats expected.

  = High. Frequent occurrences.

  = Extreme. Under the proper conditions, you will encounter these threats.

  Fin Shepard’s WTF (Wow, That’s Freaky) Factor

  = Gnarly. Cool. Righteous.

  = Radical. Excellent. Primo.

  = Bodacious. Incredible.

  = Heavy. Epic.

  = Far Out. Beyond human comprehension.

  PART ONE

  UNNATURAL DISASTERS

  Fighting Mother Nature

  ANTDEMIC

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Insectfluenza • FIRST OBSERVED: Indonesia (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 20 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Birdwatchers, First Responders • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Tropical Areas • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  AN ANTDEMIC OCCURS WHEN A DEADLY FLU VIRUS is spread to humans by infected mega fire ants. These six-inch winged insects are aggressive and highly contagious, and their bites are excruciating. Even if you survive an attack, your time is limited. Within hours of being bitten, the flu virus reduces you to a violent zombie. Death is the only cure.

  STUDY

  THE FIRST ANTDEMIC began in 2013 with a series of mega fire ant attacks on a remote chain of Indonesian islands. As the body count climbed, scientists descended upon the region. Among them was University of Indonesia researcher Eva Sims, who linked the attacks to a deadly flu outbreak also occurring on the islands.

  “No one had connected the influenza to the mega fire ants,” she says. “But that’s exactly what was happening. The ants contracted the virus from attacking infected birds, then passed the virus to humans—who started attacking each other. It was chaos.”

  Unfortunately, Sims couldn’t convince a skeptical World Health Organization (WHO) of the threat. “They told me to stop watching so many zombie movies,” she says. If the WHO wouldn’t do anything, Sims would. There was still time.

  “The virus was not spreading from person to person. If it made that leap, the antdemic could spread worldwide,” she says. Her theory was simple: Eliminate the mega fire ants, eliminate the virus. Sims found their breeding ground—a towering mound hidden deep in the jungle—and wiped the ant colony out with the most effective insecticide available: dynamite.

  AVOID

  THE CENTERS FOR Disease Control (CDC) suggests you take the following actions to protect yourself from the next antdemic.

  • Get a flu shot. This will defend you against the three most common viruses circulating in any given year. Will it protect you during an antdemic? Depends on what flu strain the ants are spreading. Get your annual shot regardless. Not getting vaccinated is like leaving your front door unlocked—you’re just inviting trouble. Unless you live in Canada, where no one locks their doors and everyone has hardy immune systems.

  • Avoid contact with anyone exhibiting flu symptoms. While the last antdemic did not spread from person to person, the next might. Even if it doesn’t, people infected with an antdemic flu strain are kind of a pain to deal with (see the “Antdemic Flu Symptoms”).

  • Wash your hands frequently with soap and water to kill germs. Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth. Don’t let anyone else touch those areas either. What kind of weirdo would want to touch someone else’s eyeball, anyway?

  Antdemic Flu Symptoms

  • Red, swollen marks where a mega fire ant’s pincers penetrated your skin

  • Runny nose, usually with blood

  • Coughing up blood

  • Sore throat (from coughing up blood)

  • Fever, body aches, and chills

  • Headache, fading as you turn into a zombie

  • Unusual aggressive behavior, i.e., chasing and trying to bite strangers

  SURVIVE

  ACCORDING TO SIMS, you can’t fight back against mega fire ants in any meaningful way. If you’re attacked outside, here’s what she suggests doing.

  • Dive underwater. Mega fire ants can fly, but they’re poor swimmers. They drown quickly, especially in saltwater and chlorinated pools.

  • If you’ve been bitten, see a doctor for an antiviral drug. Unless you receive treatment within two hours, you will turn into a zombie. If there’s a full-scale outbreak, the doctor’s office may be closed. Postapocalypse rules apply. Join the angry, infected mob ransacking the local pharmacy for antiviral drugs.

  ARACHNOQUAKE

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Spiders of Unusual Size • FIRST OBSERVED: New Orleans, Louisiana (2012) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 6 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Former Child Stars, Mardi Gras Revelers • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Warm Climates • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  SURVIVE THE FIRST TREMOR OF AN ARACHNOQUAKE, and afte
rshocks are the least of your worries. The real danger emerges hours later, when subterranean spiders crawl to the surface. These albino arachnids measure up to thirty inches from skin-piercing fangs to spinneret and possess the terrifying ability to shoot six-foot streams of flame. Don’t worry, though—they use that as a last resort. An arachnoquake spider is much more likely to spit paralyzing venom in your face and plunge its mandible claws into your abdomen, draining your insides. It may spare you for the purpose of laying eggs under your skin. This will prolong your agony several hours, until the newborns hatch and feast on your paralyzed body.

  STUDY

  WHEN THE 4.5 earthquake hit New Orleans in 2012, officials feared the worst. The epicenter was just twelve miles from the French Quarter—a direct hit to a community still on the rebound from Hurricane Katrina. While structural damage was moderate, the city thankfully suffered no casualties.

  It was a short-lived miracle. Thousands of giant spiders soon emerged from fissures in the Crescent City streets, setting their fangs into the unprepared populace.

  Although the situation appeared dire, scientists soon discovered the spiders’ key weakness. Arachnoquake drones require instructions sent telepathically from their queen to perform even basic tasks such as breathing. Kill her, and the rest die.

  Destroying the queen was no small task. The enormous monster was as large as a two-story house. Non-nuclear military weapons had no effect on her. Fortunately, a brave (or foolish) civilian found a way to use the queen’s own offensive arsenal against her. Tour guide Paul Grace donned a divesuit and entered the spider’s mouth. Once inside, he located the gas tank that fueled her fiery breath. He hooked a copper cable to her tank, slipped out of the spider, and sparked the cable. The queen exploded from the inside out, spraying guts on the buildings surrounding her nest. On cue, the drones fell dead.